Make Your Home a Safe Place: Marriage Advice

This is a second in a series of posts on marriage. The first covered the topic of respect. To summarize: choose to respect the man in your life.  He may do things differently and that's okay.  Actually, it's good, could you imagine if there were two of you?!

Today's post: men can be insecure and need to come home to a safe place where they are built up. 

They don't need fake things said, but just focussing on the positive things and encouraging them works wonderfully. This isn't something that I didn't know I just didn't really practice it. I didn't think Gary (my Mr. Confident Pants) was insecure so I asked him. After a few ridiculous answers, he gave me some real things that he does not feel confident about. I've always known to say positive things about my husband in public but I think I really needed the lesson on building him up at home. It's so obvious, but I'm human and hormonal.

Let me give you a few examples of how I have not done a good job of affirming Gary.

 I'm all about using my time wisely. I like to make sure everything that needs to get done is done before I sit down to relax or have fun. That's my style and I know it doesn't mean it's the right way to do things. I can be really annoying to live with. I ask Gary several times a day `What are you doing?' when I'm working in the office and he's elsewhere in the house. Sometimes I am just curious about what he's doing and sometimes, well, I'm implying `Are you using your time wisely?  Is there something else you could be doing?'.  What a way to make him feel crappy (like he can't live up to the 1000's of things I want him to do) and like home is not a safe place (I can't relax because Louise will only be happy if I go, go, go).  No one wants to be watched and evaulated 24/7.

{This was right after the ceremony and one of the happiest moments of my life!}

Or, what about the fact that I lived in a sleep deprived baby fog for years and I just became so bitter. I would be jealous that he would get to go off to work and have `fun' (I know it wasn't really fun but it sure seemed way more exciting) while I was stuck at home feeding, changing,  and disciplining the kids while cleaning the house.  He would come home and I wouldn't want to ask about his day. I didn't want to hear about anything he had done because I was just jealous. By not asking, and not caring, I was basically saying that he was a low priority in my life and he didn't matter.

One of my goals is to make him feel appreciated and supported.

Only 25% of men feel actively appreciated by their family. I asked Gary if he felt appreciated and he said `sometimes'.  I would like to change that to `always'.  It's amazing what happens when you are appreciated. At dinner each night, we rotate between two things. One night we say our highs and lows of the day. The next night, we need to choose someone that we appreciate and say why. Last week, Gary said that he appreciated how clean I keep the house. Do you know what that did for me? I spent the entire week ironing and vacuuming a little more happily.  I even went the `next step' and vacuumed where I don't normally like under the bunk bed. Like, all the way under the bunk bed. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's just how an example of being appreciated made me feel a bit better about doing the day to day. I definitely see the difference in him when I know he's feeling appreciated.

Trying to avoid saying `Why are you...' or `What are you doing?' and instead listen, encourage, and support them. Watch your reponses. You know when you are frustrated and you know you can say one thing that will hurt them? Don't do it. Let them know you believe in them. It's sometimes hard and no fun to be the one to start the nice cycle – putting in the work when you might feel they aren't. If I support and affirm Gary then in turn he is more appreciative and commicative and understanding. It's not all roses around here, but our marriage is definitely getting stronger.

So, ask the man in your life (boyfriend, husband, father, brother) if he feels appreciated at home. Then, ask him what he is insecure about (I told Gary what I was insecure about to get the ball rolling). It can be very eye opening. You can encourage them in these areas and make sure you don't say something that will absolutley crush him.

Hopefully there was one little nugget of encouragement in there for you.  If anything, it should make you feel better about your skills as a partner because I'm not the easiest person to live with.

Have a wonderful weekend.  I don't mean to sound all cheeesy but make sure you let people know what you appreciate about them.

Love, Louise

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`Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.  Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.' Philippians 2:3-4